I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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