in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize