I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
