i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize