you win again, gameday.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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