I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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