what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
