and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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