I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
