Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize