I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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