We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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