Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
