First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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