Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
