worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
