I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
