is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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