Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
