i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
