my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
