One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
