i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
