I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
