Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
