I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
