I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
