she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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