Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
