I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
