i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
