my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
