"it" just moved
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
