Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
