I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
