i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
