have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
