3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
