I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
