I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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