the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
this is an emotional support booty call
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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