Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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