I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
