Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
