Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
