I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
