remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize