How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
