im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
