it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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