So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My feet surprised me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
