I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
