He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
