I think im going to throw up on grandma
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
