the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
