She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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