Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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