she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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