I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
