My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
