So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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